Shoes: Some Awful, Some Not Awful

Holy sheeeyt, y'all! It's a shoe roundup!

Of course, we begin with some horbsness thanks to Irregular Choice, always dependable in the Horbsness department.

($199, Irregular Choice, Asos.com)

Is this just a New York phenomenon, or is the black and gold liquor store bag distributed universally? Anyway, these look like someone took an otherwise perfectly good healthy heel and suffocated it by tying on a liquor store bag. Without the shitty faux chap or whatever that abomination is, this shoe could be adorable with the striped platform and bow in the bag. Alas, it's not to be.

($132, Dru New York)

Just perfectly beautiful, perfectly perfect winter heels. Too bad Dru isn't sold online. Weepy.

($252, Rachel Comey, Oaknyc.com)

These are such a trainwreck that I almost oddly love them? But maybe I hate them? Mainly they're horrible? I love Rachel Comey, but these are pretty wrong.

($87, Oh Deer! Shoes.com)

For some odd reason, I like these, though I could see buying them and never having anything to wear with them. Love the Louboutin-from-afar red soles!

($55, Asos.com)

These are absolutely rip-shit ridiculous. It's also extremely discouraging that they're actually SOLD OUT, meaning that enough people DIDN'T find these horrendous.

($144, Ted Baker, Asos.com)

What? Oh my GOD, NO! They look like they're being held together by twine!

($121, Irregular Choice, Asos.com)

Just unfuckingbelievable. Wear these to your next ecstacy-fueled Victorian orgy.

($99, Steve Madden)

Appropriately enough, these embarrassments are called "Hustler," and them come in 20 different shades, each more horrendous than the next! An award of distinction goes out to the horrendous "foil" family, which includes silver and gold, and the patents: fuschia (shown above), deep red, purple, cognac and more! Collect 'em all!

($221, Harlot, Asos.com)

Appropriately enough, these are by Harlot. So so so bad. Why is it so hard to remember that denim is for JEANS ONLY! And the OCCASIONAL jacket. Don't get it twisted, people!

($276, Salvador Sapena, Asos.com)

Normally I'm not into cuffs or anything remotely Mary Jane-ish, but I love the colors and how the beige offsets the patent leather. Totes wants!

($132, KG, Asos.com)

Um, these are sorta maybe the most perfect jeweled flats ever.

($474, Nanette Lepore, Shoes.com)

Chocolate brown footwear isn't usually my thing, nor are little punchy perforations and lace ups, so it's odd that I find myself attracted to a boot that consists of all three. Yet I like these.

Yay! I know they're kinda last season, but for the 99.8% of us who can't afford the real thing:

($940, Burberry Prorsum, Nordstrom)


($98, Jeffrey Campbell, Oaknyc.com)

.... Jeffrey Campbell has graciously knocked them off for us! Kbyenow!

Mischa Barton Does A DIY Wonder Woman

(Photo via Osoblog.tv)

Um, was Mischa Barton on her way to audition for a remake of Wonder Woman? All she's missing is the boots. Or maybe she was en route to/from a stint moonlighting as a palm reader? I'm not even gonna get into the asymmetrical shawl -- does such a dire abomination really even merit discussion? And, Mischa -- your body is to die for. Your legs are practically longer than my entire person. But that's no excuse to wear a white mini!!! Or culottes. Or whatever the fuck is happening below your pupik. And probably even Hillary Clinton regrets headbands. And that was like, 1992. And that error occurred OUTSIDE the world of fashion. There's NO EXCUSE to make that same mistake 15 years later.


Ugh. Let's cleanse our palettes, shall we, with two gorgeous pieces I'd very much love to own:

($265, Salvador Sapena, Asos.com)
Absolutely stunning and sooo comfy-lookin'.

($55, Asos.com)

This also comes in my go-to grey, but the forest green is so rich and deliciously vintage. And the price? The price, she is a-nice!

Bad Ideas In Footwear (& More!)

One bad idea is to be one of the most famous women in the world AND be under investigation for child abuse AND be involved in a major custody battle over your two kids AND to wear no underwear when you venture outside in front of throngs of photographers, like Britney did. Oopsies!

(Photo via Daily Mail)
I've got to say though... at least she managed to coordinate her bag and boots with her dress!

More bad ideas, in the form of shoes...

($170, daniblack, Piperlime)

God I hate a square chunky heel. There's just no excuse. And while I wouldn't go out of my way to absolutely insist upon wearing real fur, this fakety fake is just poor.

($45, Not Rated, Zappos)

The Zappos description refers to these as "ornate." You KNOW something's bad news bears when the one and only word used to describe it is "ornate." Never a good thing right there.

($99, Steven, Zappos)

It really just hurts my head sitting here and trying to come up with an instance in which these would EVER be acceptable for ANYONE over the age of 11.

($79, Zinc, Cutesyshoes.com)

Velvet AND Lucite? Perfect for the stripper who's afraid of heights.

($100, Carlos By Carlos Santana, Piperlime)

Ugh. Now, I actually will defend a select few styles of Carlos Santana heels, and I actually like the cute and style here, but the faux olde-tymey label pattern is SO played.

($150, Ugg, Uggaustralia.com)

Please, someone, put these on the next flight back to Sydney, I implore you!

($44, Michael Antonio, Cutesyshoes.com)

From the description: "A sexy, unique look thats right off the cat walk!" Okay, first of all, I'll do my best to try to ignore the fact that they spelled "that's" wrong. Next... "Catwalk" is one word. And... which catwalk are they referring to? Where is this alleged cat walk? Hell? Yes. That MIGHT be what one might see at Fashion Week in Hades. If that's the case then perhaps I will accept that.

($340, Salvador Sapena, Piperlime)

Wow. Actually, in the wake of the rest of the footwear seen above, these really aren't as heinous in comparison.

($12, Bamboo, Cutesyshoes.com)

These make me wanna pull an Owen Wilson. Sorry... Is it too soon? It's too soon isn't it?


Okay, should you actually discover a pair of Cutesy Shoes that don't make you wanna wretch, such as this pair by Zinc:

($69, Zinc, Cutesyshoes.com)

... These are actually pretty cute and look like Marc Jacobs... anyway, here's a CutesyShoes.com promo code to save 20%: GRAND... expires 9/1/2007.