Say My Name

I was born both blessed and cursed with a very different, apparently VERY hard to spell name, even though my first and last name contain just 11 letters combined. I can always tell when someone's about to read my name off the list, because there's a long pause between the name they just read and their utter butchering of mine. Their foreheads crinkle and they get that look on their face like they're being confronted with an advanced physics equation or something.

But, after all these years, having a cool name is pretty rad. No one mistakes you for another person with the same first name (except for when I was in Hebrew school), and ... well... that's the main cool thing. For some reason, this inspired me to blog about labels that skipped cutesy, obvious and/or eponymous nomenclature and landed on something truly unique, even if it makes little sense. Oh yeah, and these would all make great band names.

Ok, here goes:

Cheap Monday
($65, Bluebee.com)
These super skinny Swedish jeans, which I quite like, say "I just got home from Misshapes and BOY are my nostrils tired!" Much is being made of the price point on these pants: $65 for most of their jeans. But it's not nearly as intriguing as the fact that it's got some Christian groups all up in arms over the line's seemingly satanic logo. Apparently the label's founder did go out of his way to create an edgy yet affordable line that also represents his anti-church sentiments. Um... okay. It's just jeans, y'all! It's just fashion! Relax! But for real, the skinny cut is great (especially in black), and they're all handmade and unwashed, which keeps the cost down. Yay.

Team Manwhore
($80 USD, zoovillage.com)
I truly doubt an explanation of why this name is so awesome is necessary. No word on whether or not Brad Pitt actually owns this label.

Wooden Mustache
(Woodenmustache.com)
I totes love this piece and GUARANTEE it would look hot with skinny jeans and boots. And, you're probably totes well aware that plaid is way way back, as fellow fashion blogger Daddy Likey carefully illustrates without using the "Mad For Plaid!" cliche. Also, not even in my most drunken dreams could I conceive of such a fun name as Wooden Mustache. Hooray for this L.A.-based team, I say!


Panda Snack
($79, Azaleaonline.com)
Even better than this lovely, more fem take on the Henley is the label's name, which is hilarious, and reminds me of the very fun band Snack Truck. Can't you just tell even from the picture that this top is softer than a baby's bum?

Morphine Generation and Sweet & Toxic
($79, Morphine Generation, Revolve Clothing)Excellent use of purple!

($46, Sweet & Toxic, Revolve Clothing)

Both hoodies are VERY My Chemical Romance (or "MCR," as we say in "The Biz")!

We Dream In Colour
($38, Wedreamincolour.com)
While American-born-Trinidad-raised-Aussie-livin' designer Jade Gedeon makes bright, brilliant pieces out of Shrinky Dinks, she pulls it off well enough to not make her work seem too cutesy or overly retro. What I'm saying is, it looks like jewelry for jewelry's sake, not jewelry for the sake of repurposing '80s toys. And she'll custom-design stuff with whatevs you want written on it! Best!

Nature Vs. Future
($150, Mightyflirt.com)
I've been a fan of Brooklyn's Nature Vs. Future ever since I discovered it at the Market in Soho a few years ago. I love the linear construction. It's very June Cleaver Goes to Space.

Obesity And Speed

While Obesity and Speed are two elements that don't usually go together, I like SOME of what they're doing here, such as the superhoodie above. I DON'T love their spiderwebby shawls though. They're way too Kate Hudsony. Get this stuff at Barney's or in Japan -- whichever you happen to visit first.

Heavy Rotation
($77, Azaleaonline.com)
The name is NO Wooden Mustache, but I like the hoodie and the price nevertheless.

She-Bible
($70, Sodafine.com)
Busty ladies, STEER CLEAR of this cuteness (I know it hurts!) lest you emerge from your apartment looking like a human pup tent. Still, huzzah to She-Bible for subverting the dominant paradigm of the religious patriarch (you too, Cheap Monday!) AND the average sweatshirt.cute

Honorable Mentions:
Butterfly Dropout -- Didn't get a winning spot because it sounded too much like an emo band and looked too much like something Paris Hilton would wear.
Duckmilk
Imitation of Christ and Young Fabulous and Broke did not make the list due to their ubiquity.

fin.

UPDATE: Edited due to the fact that I misspelled just about every other word of the intro. That's what 4 cups of coffee will do to you. (If you're me.)

Because There Are No Clocks In Vegas

I'm not a gambling woman, but if I were, I'd definitely put my money on this as the coolest watch ever:



Not ONLY does this watch tell time, but you can also play slots (is that what it's referred to? I have no clue) and other games, thus turning your wrist into a one-armed bandit, eventhough you likely have two arms. Anyway, I wouldn't even care if this watch didn't tell time. It's that rad. Okay. Nite nite.

Haunt Couture

You've only got a few days left till the Halloween party, and nothing but a few chain-store gift cards to work with. (Go with me on this.) What to do? A few ideas:

Where's Waldo?











I was Waldo one year, and let me tell you, it made for some entertaining
photos. I got the striped tee from American Eagle a few years ago; it was and is fabulously soft, as it is sold in their "sleepwear" section, and it's still for sale. Throw on a pair of jeans, a be-pompommed hat, some brown boots and nerd glasses, and you're good to go.


Nineties High School Burnout/Kate Moss







Yes, just be yourself circa 1991! Gap Corp. will help! Grab this plaid shirt (or a similar version from any thrift store) and some skinny gray stretch jeans from Old Navy. I just purchased a pair of "Special Edition" ones, which are unfortunately not online, but which I can attest totally rock, putting me in somewhat uneasily in mind of a pair I had back in the proverbial day with an almost identical wash and zippers at the ankle. So. Go to the store. Or find a pair somewhere else. Tease your hair up, spray the shit out of it, pile on the eyeliner. Even I don't still have my old Doc Martens, but I bet you've got a pair of Chuck Taylors in your closet (black high-tops only). Extra points for a Metallica shirt underneath.


Fashion Don't













This one's easy. Just get the dumbest clothes you can possibly find, layer them all on top of each other, get these censored black-bar glasses from Fred Flare (hopefully they have rush shipping!) and boom. Donesy.


Spotted Dick
















Because Halloween is really just an excuse to dress like an asshole, take the whole slutty-whatever thing to a new level. Be a leopard, ridiculously. Head to toe. No tail or ears, just ALL SPOTS. Leaving no patch of skin uncovered. You can do it. I didn't feel like linking to every last goddamn thing, so here are your credits: Top, clutch, belt, headband, socks and shoes from Wet Seal; leggings from Forever 21; jacket and shoes (clogs!) from Victoria's Secret; gloves and apron from Target. (Sorry, better hope those leggings are opaque.)


Solid Gold Dancer





This was Michelle T.'s idea, sadly going unused as she will be visiting her mom in Florida and not in party mode. You can find it fully realized at your local American Apparel. I love that American Apparel, on its front page, boasts of a special Halloween sale, basically admitting that a bunch of its clothes are good only as total jokes. Routine not included.

MY costume will remain secret (not that it's particularly unusual, but it shall be cute). Pictures next week, providing I look cute. Which, again, I shall. (Hint: I'm rubbing an excessive amount of red lipstick on my cheeks.)

DO Rejoice In This Treasure Trove of Fashion Mortses

The other week, I'd read about Glamour mag going all Web 2.0 apeshit and opening the floodgates of fashion don'ts to we hungry masses, equipped with digital cameras and an appetite for capturing our city's, town's, street's or even apartment building's elevator's most unsuspecting fashion criminals caught in the act of exercising a total lack of good style or even sense. Then today I read that apparently not everyone understood the whole "unsuspecting" part, and the drama has ensued!

If you're too lazy to click the link (and believe me, I know where you're coming from), here's the deal: Glamour's backpage do's and don'ts section -- arguably the mag's best feature -- features snaps of horrif fashion mortses. They've been showcasing the worst of the worst skintight see-through white pants, wedgies, camel toes, sandals with socks, mom jeans and that sort of thing for years. But, they have the decency to black bar the eyes of the assholes they shoot. Anyway, Glamz decided to empower their online readers with the authority to DIY it. Um, except without the black bars. Or the discretion. Ooopsies. Can we say "Bad Idea Jeans"?

What ensued? Images of totally recognizable peeps (well, if you live below 14th Street), pictures that clearly serve no purpose but to poke fun of the morbidly obese (anyone remember fatchicksinpartyhats.com?) and other doctored or inappropriate images from the annals of the Intertronz. Basically, prepare to see A LOT of butts. Flat butts, half butts, entire ones, black butts, white butts, old and jiggly butts, and even cigarette butts. Oh, and anorexics. And other eating disorders. Also, from those who clearly didn't understand the assignment, you'll also get vacation shots ("In the Bahamas" -- ?!?!?!??) and shots that label the obvious ("Scarf"). Um, thanks.

Kids, we gave you a privilege and you took advantage of it! For SHAME! Yes, I realize the irony and contradiction of us waging a finger at Glamour and its abusers since we ourselves have done what some might argue to be the very same thing. But DAMN IT! Our street fashion mortses are a.) usually discreet; b.) not targeted toward the obese, crazy people, innocent families, kids or super old people (though I will say it's pretty funny when Vice does it); and c.) cooler because we're funny. (Plus, believe me, there are pictures out there of me wearing some questionable fashions, though I prefer to think of them as party costumes or "ensembles," to borrow one from Mimi.

Anyway, here are a few gems...


Requisite white pants shot. Zzzzz.

See? Yukky butts! Toldja!

Uh, this was under the "Cute" category. Where is this considered cute? Bizarroland? Hell? Seattle??

Ok. I'm not gonna lie. This is pretty great.

Ostensibly this girl uploaded this pic of herself as a "Do." Or maybe her friend did. As a cruel, cruel joke.

THIS IS JUST A FUCKIN' GUY LAYING DOWN!!!!!!

Grrrr.

It's not even right to make fun of someone so lacking in judgement and reason. It's like kicking the family dog.

I mean... Seriously. OBVIOUSLY this is not a STREET shot. Did this girl get fucked with after falling asleep at a slumber party?

Well, at least someone got the memo.

Out of the Closet

In lieu of an about section (still TK, as we say in the biz), I present a look at one of your writers: me! The magazine was nice enough to commission a photographer to take my portrait for this bit, the first time I've ever been on a Contributors page. Check it out on page 88 of the October W, which is probably not still on stands, so instead check out the November's Art Issue instead. It has a lot of cool stuff in it, including good art and fat models! Here is me, sitting on leaf-strewn concrete in a Lower East Side housing complex:



Back with real content at some point....

Big Willy Style

When taking some time off from trumpeting their Naval superiority and drinking PG Tips, the British do a superb job of designing fine menswear. The proprietors of Lord Willy's on Mott Street (New York) are no exception.

Alexander Wilcox (Lord Willy to you) and his lovely wife Betty are refined expats bringing a little style and sophistication to the Colonies. Their custom shirts have clever names like Risky Business and Ripley (above), and their beautiful custom suits (made of fine British cloth and crafted in New York) will fit you like a glove--accentuating your pluses and downplaying the love handles with a little sartorial sleight-of-hand.

For those with a slightly lighter pocketbook (prices won't be confused with Old Navy, no matter how you slice it), Lord and Lady Willy offer off-the-rack shirts with matching pocket squares and boxer shorts, which make the perfect gift for the man who has everything (everything, that is, except for an impeccable set of matching shirt, pocket square and boxer shorts). Fine and dandy, indeed.

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Mara?

Okay. Normally I totes just SWOOOOOON over Mara Hoffman's classic yet contemporary girlie but not too girlie dresses in vintage wallpapery patterns -- as Shiny Squirrel so succinctly blogged. BUT.

What. The. Frock is up with this????


Seriously!?? Does this not totes resemble that creepy Elvira/ Morts-ticia Addams ho-ey burial sheath that Angelina wore to the 2000 Oscars when she sucked face with her brother and tried to Jurassic Park-style consume him with her big, scary velociraptor
mouth?
(Ew. They totes made out later that nite!)

Next...

($74, planetfunk.com)
This is cute.

($158, Joe's Jeans, couturecandy.com)
This is definitely not. Ew. Can't you just see Cameron Diaz wearing these with some off-the-shoulder black top to the Kids Choice Awards or whatever and posing on the red carpet with a "Tee hee! I'm kooky!" look with her mouth way open? I know I can.