Marc Jacobs "Backward" Heel And Other Terrible Ideas

Marc Jacobs has lost what's left of his skinny little mind. At least he MUST have if these ass-backwards heels from his Spring 2008 RtW collection. The show itself was a completely vague abstraction with very few literal pieces, so at least these baffling shoes were in keeping with that esoteric theme, but will they play in Peoria?? Probably not when they'd hardly even play on Prince Street. It's like being caught mid-fall or something. They're like the shoe version of that cliched "inverted human/ Quasimoto" model pose where the girl contorts herself so that her upper body is completely concave. Because THAT'S HIGH FASHION! Marc-y Marc, make like we wish Amy Winehouse would, and put down the pipe.

Let's take a look at some other high-deas!

($250, Laurie Jacobs' Spiky Bras)

I don't know if you noticed, but there are little frogs or bugs or both on top of these blowfish, which are also a bra.

(Kropserkel)

At least were created by special effects creators. But it's just a matter of time before sportswear explodes and we start seeing futuristic chastity belts made of rubber on the catwalks. (It is kinda Y-3.)

($289, James Piatt)

This handbag is called the "Pursuader," though it doesn't need to be called that to persuade me me that you voted Republican!

(Qian Jiang)

What you're looking at is a necklace and a condom AND an ashtray. It's not one, nor two but ALL THREE of those things together! So you can hold your butt close to your chest.

Okay, we GET IT. You're NOT a virgin.

Finally, let's see some of those Bellybutton-meet-spine-spine-meet-bellybutton poses. They're usually accompanied by shocked or angry expressions -- I'd be angry too if I were trying to push my lower intestine out through my ass crack -- but I couldn't find any of those, so these will have to suffice instead.

Jeweled Embellishments OR Animal Prints BUT Both? NAY, I Say!

($28.99, Forever 21)

I really like TheBudgetBabe.com, but EEeeeee, seriously no me gusta this Twelve By Twelve animal print minidress WITH jeweled embellishments AND Velour belt. One or the other, but PLEASE not both! While I love BudgetBabe's suggestion of classening the joint up a bit with a skinny black leather belt, I can't deal with the very "meat-on-meat" (my boyfriend's term for too much) trend orgy going on here. Less is always more with animal prints, peeps! I would, however, certainly go for this dress without the jeweled embellishments and a nice leather belt. Very Little Shop of Horrors!

Tweety Shoes: For the Birds

... And for infantile adults who don't know how to dress, too!

Via ThreadTrend, whose writer, Manuel Paul, shares my burning haaaaatred for any apparel with Betty Boop on it. Manny, I'll see your Betty Boop and Tweety, of course, and raise you any other item of non-child-sized clothing with a fucking Looney Tune, Pooh bear, Sesame Street or franchised cartoon character. It's horrifying, humiliating and repellent. And these shoes are no exception. This is some serious Lil Mama shit right here, and I mean that in the worst way possible.

I guess the only way you could get away with wearing these would be if you wore them shiny leggings, a vinyl fanny pack, and a doggie bag. And then punched yourself in the brain.

More American Apparel Mortses

In the Things That Should've Happened Five Years Ago department, American Apparel CEO and World-Class A-Hole Dov Charney is FINALLY going to trial for... SEXUAL HARASSMENT. (I know. Can you believe that ish? And he always seemed like such a nice boy!) Hopefully hating this d-bag will now become an official law in every state.

Other recent Am/Ap offenses include:

Via Fabsugar: This crap-ass vinyl fanny pack. The last three words of the previous sentence are what's wrong with the whole package. And speaking of packages, the always engrossing (and hilarious!) Jezebel has a great video called "American Apparel Will Make You Look Like A Fat Hooker." Check it out now.

(Crappy fuckface Dov Charney photo via Fabsugar.)

Doggie Bags

Yay! I'm back! Actually I've been back a few days now (couldn't you feel that magic in the air and kick in your step? That was me.) But, I was plagued with horrendous food poisoning of some sort which I'm convinced was caused not by the haggis of Scotland but by a certain (read: the only) Cuban place on Smith Street. Not good. Anyway, just as I recover, I'm confronted by this monstrosity today at one of the cheap, slutty shops on 14th Street:

There are so many fucking wrong things in this photo, I don't even know where to start. But just in case you weren't clear, those AREN'T stuffed animals tethered to mannequins, which would be foul enough. They're DOGGIE PURSES! Is this what's in with the Hannah Montana set (that and faking your dad's death for tickets)? But it's even more disturbing that this shop is geared toward teens up to adults, at least in size, though certainly not in mentality.

Just a few other things wrong here, in case you're still transfixed by the horrifying puppy sacks:

+ Christmas lights wrapped around one mannequin's leg
+ leg warmers
+ Konichiwa shirt
+ dogs

If that one French bulldog-looking pup down in the front could talk he'd be like FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! BUY ME AND BURN ME! JUST GET ME OUT OF THIS FASHION SNAKE PIT!!

Horrendo.

UPDATE! KIPPYS RUINS CHRISTMAS!

Per my last post on holiday handbags, check out some Kippys atrocities before the holidays are shut the shit down. Here's why:

($2190, Kippys, Bellasbarn.com)

OMG. If Joan Rivers died and were reincarnated as a jacket, I'd assume it'd probably go something like this. It's like Vegas barfed all over a Little Miss Texas pageant. Per the site's description: Kippy's Black Acid Washed Leather Jacket with Jet Swarovski Crystals. This Fitted Blazer looks fabulous with any denims, pants, and skirts.

DENIMS? Whatever. That's the least of the problems here.

($525, Kippys, Bellasbarn.com)

I don't know Mariah Carey personally, but I feel confident that even back in her glitteriest of butterfly phases, not even SHE would've worn this piece of sparkly trash.

($699 -- down from $995, which makes it a total steal! -- Kippys, Bellasbarn.com)

Now, I'm not even 100$ hardcore anti-fur, but I can't believe rabbits died for this fucking horseshit. I'd toss a can of red paint at the offensive bitch carrying this shitbucket just for having such piss-poor taste.

($1099, Kippys, Bellasbarn.com)

According to the item's description: Kippy's Handbag with Beaver Fur w/Pita Stitch and Side Pockets. Fur Handbags are the In Style Magizine Must have for 2007-2008. Um, something tells me that this would NOT make InStyle's It List. The only It List this bag would make would be a S-H-It List. Also, the ACTUAL name of this shitsack is "Beaver Bag." Seriously. It sounds like some fraternity hazing stunt. Okay. I can't take it anymore. I think we've had enough.

And to make up for the damage I've done to your eyes, here's an audio treat: an MP3! "Christmas Is Cancelled" by The Long Blondes. Don't say I never gave you anything.

Holiday Handbags!

Ho Ho HooooMG I want these cute clutches:

($145, Kooba, Activeendeavors.com)

Love the idea of holiday accessories that are sort of in the red family but aren't like Santa-red.

($350, GoldenBleu, Fashionchateau.com)

I will, however, make an exception for GoldenBleu. LOVES.

($138, Hobo International, Bloomingdales)

Not bad. I really love the black one.

($78, Banana Republic)

A nice little elegant number to hold all of the 143 lipsticks and glosses I invariably and inexplicably have on me at any given moment.

($65, Levis)

I've spent half my day in disbelief that this bag is by Levi's. (Okay, not half. More like 13 seconds, but still...) HOW cute it is this? I never would've guessed -- it looks like a sweet little 1950s vintage number handed down to you by your "dirty joke" auntie. Hooray to you, Levi's, for nailing that subset of the handbag market!

($138, Bo Bo Bags, Luggagepoint.com)

I am including this as a "holiday bag" because it's a cute travel bag, and sometimes you gotta travel over the holidays. To get to where the presents are.

(Apprx $61 USD, Topshop)

And speaking of presents, I would very much like to receive this Topshop butterfly print bag as a present! Looks like it's sold out right now, though perhaps they'll re-up?

And finally, here is a bag I PRAY no one receives as a present, for it is no gift at all:

($54.99, the erroneously named Ivegotyourbag.com)

Um, I don't know who the fuck Kippy is or why s/he charges $445 for belts that probably even Brooke Hogan wouldn't be caught dead in, but someone needs to put a stop to this fashion morts ASAP before the holidays are RUINED FOR EVER FOR EVERYONE!

More Balenciaga Badness

(Photo via People.com)

GAH! Aside from the EVERYTHING that's wrong north of her knees, Jennifer Connelly is also redirecting the traffic of misery south of her ankles with these moiré-inducing Balenciaga heels.

For those of you who don't know what moiré is -- and don't worry, I knew that it existed, but I wasted like 30 minutes looking for the term in Google -- it's that terrible pattern you see on TV, especially when someone's wearing tweed or houndstooth. It makes a jumping effect, and it's created by two sets of patterns that basically overlap and make your eyes wanna barf.

Just like so!

Anyway, there's your science lesson for the day! Still, it's NO excuse for these heinous zig-zag heels!

Bird Bag?

So, my co-blogger, former roomie and very close friend, who lived with me for three years and KNOWS my taste (and though she occasionally mocks it, she was also QUICK to borrow my shit in our Rivington Street days!) thinks THIS bag is "so me!"

($255, Marlene's of Encino, Poshgirlvintage.com)

I mean, I like loud, fun, vibrant stuff, but this might be taking it a step too far. It's by a woman named MARLENE for shit's sake! I like the '80s, but I don't want to LOOK 80! I'm not even 30 yet! How can I be THIS MUCH of a bubbe?

Your thoughts are appreciated.

Oh Noes: Two-Tone Pantyhose

($16, American Apparel)

Who else but American Apparel would find these two-toned tights acceptable for non-Halloween usage? Uggz. Can't decide what's worse: these tights or their look-at-this-closeup-of-my-crotch
campaigns.

Stuntin' At Wal-Mart

Amazing. Courtesy of Las Vegas, Nevada's "Pam."

Hold My Hair Back...

While I totes vom over....

... And from the back...

($69, Claudette, Scoop NYC)
God forbid, my house were on fire and I were asleep inside, naked, and, implausibly, this were the ONLY thing I could grab before fleeing the scene, I wouldn't even do it. I'd rather be caught completely nude than greet New York's finest in this hideola schmatte.


($69, Michael Kors, Scoop NYC)
This abomination is named "Suri." Now, I know it's not nice to make fun of little kids, but this shoe is hideous, and that little child looks like a strange foreign man. There. I said it.



($690, Charlotte Solnicki, Bleuclothing.com)
Five words: Eastern. European. Mail. Order. Bride.

Crocs: SURRENDER TO US! OR ELSE!

Our loathing of Crocs has been well documented. As if Crocs weren't bad enough, they've gone and added insult -- and lotsa faux Sherpa -- to injury and named it ... the MAMMOTH. As in MAMMOTH MISTAKE!

Observe:
In true Crocs style they've made every perfectly decent solid color available to all Crocs Lovers (oxy moron!)/ AKA Unholy Haters Of Fashion to bastardize! For just $39.99! I don't even want to mar this blog by linking to them. Chances are, if you'd wear these, you're probably not reading this anyway.

Anyway, as much as it pains me to report on such sordid shoe subjects, I can at least take solace in the fact that our Anti-Croc Army is solid and growing! We have allies in Birdfight
and of course, Manolo at Shoeblogs.com. And the aptly named IHateCrocs.com. But it's NOT enough! We won't stop until everyone raises both arms in the air, Crocs in one hand, a lighter in the other and creates one giant flaming Crocs pyre atop a sacrificial altar constructed, of course, of Croc! And you best believe we'll be wearing one of these:

(Apprx $17 USD, Spreadshirt.com)

... And together... together, with God as our witness, we will end THE SCOURGE OF CROCS!...


... To be continued...

Marc Jacobs Hast Lost His Skinny Little Mind

I know he's had himself some trouble with the white stuff, but did the party powder leave him with Swiss cheese brain? Observe:


($995, Marc Jacobs, Barneys)
These are the best of the worst. Still, there is no instance imaginable that would make these acceptable.



($398, Marc By Marc Jacobs, Zappos Couture)
I give it a month before Jessica Simpson's photographed walking out of The Ivy in these. (Note: that does NOT make them right!)



($385, Marc By Marc Jacobs, Shopbop.com)
Or in these.


($185, Marc By Marc Jacobs, Bergorf Goodman)
Dude. Seriously. Come on. Seriously? Dude! This is some Payless shit!


($228, Marc By Marc Jacobs, eLuxury)
Honestly??


($873, Marc By Marc Jacobs, Zappos Couture)
Sigh. Real bad news. Where to even begin? These look like something I would've seen in like 1988 at like, Wild Pair at the mall and BEGGED my mom to get me so I could wear 'em do the Roger Rabbit in 'em at the middle school mixer. At least that memory isn't even real -- it's just a figment of a made-up memory and not a real one, unlike the actual memories of those who currently own these and will wear them and then sadly look back one day, 17 years from now, in horror. Regret's a bitch!


At least I would not regret owning this:
($1,650, Marc Jacobs, eLuxury.com)

It's Not Easy Being Green

I spotted this woman a few months back in the train station. She was wearing not one, not two but THREE DIFFERENT shades of green. All at the same time. And topped off the monstrosity with an orange bag, like a human ode to peas and carrots. She had her bags packed -- ostensibly heading back to her home planet? One can only hope.

I Love My Cat Too, But Seriously...

Um, I just went outside and saw a woman wearing shorts (and as if that weren't bad enough...) which revealed three tattoos on her thigh -- each was an identical paw print ascending her leg to her nether parts. WTF. And those were just the tats I could SEE. This once again just adds additional proof to my belief that there should be a tattoo board that reviews potential tattoo ideas before committing them to permanent ink. The process should take at least 6 - 9 weeks, and the board reserves the right to veto any horrendous ideas such as the one I just mentioned, tribal bands and Calvin peeing on anything. Seriously, there oughta be a law!

Shoegasm & More Sexually Charged Objets

That's seriously the name of a chain of shoe stores here in NYC. Shoegasm. For real. The name is so effing horbs, and I have to give it this Yelper for stating perfectly what's so cringe-inducing about this mindless moniker:

"I really don't like when people put "gasm" on the end of nonsexual things to signify that they are in some way sexually satisfying. It's crass, and moreover, it's tired."

Word.

However, I'm now going to both lean upon a cliche and shoot myself in the foot (har) when I state that the following shoes basically did cause me to climax into a footwear frenzy:







They're both by Hetty Rose who creates MADE TO ORDER shoes from vintage Japanese kimono fabric. Let me say that again: the she makes MADE TO ORDER shoes from VINTAGE Japanese fabric. Shoes to fit ONLY YOU. And the fact that she's London based is just another reason why you won't see tons of other ladies on Ludlow in your very same shoes. They start at about $600 USD. Eek. Not cheap yet so gorgeous, they cast some bizarre infatuation-like spell that'd nearly possess me to worth fly over there first class to pick them up in person.

And now, more amazing stuff but nowhere near as amazing as those above shoes yet decidedly more affordable.


($474, The Jackson Twins, Lollipoplondon.com)
Wait, I take that back. These are totally expensy but possibly worth it. I've been seeing lots of Jackson Twins shoes lately, and I truly love everything I'm seeing. I love the not-too-tall heels (most all under 3"), subtle vintage touches and bright colors. Very similar to Faryl Robin.



($441, Beatrix Ong, Lollipoplondon.com)
Darling, but again, I'm rarely a fan of the ankle strap. I like these perhaps a bit better:



($59, Exchange By Charles David, Smartbargains.com)
Boo again with the ankle strap AND suuuuch a high heel, but then again, the price is right. Also, Smartbargains is having a 3 shoes for $99 sale. Wee! Stock up, bishes!



($59, Arturo Chiang Corina, Smartbargains.com)
Love these in black and in their silver version.



(Apprx $42 USD, Asos.com)
I've been coveting these for a while. I should prolly just get 'em, right??



($17, Soda, Lulusfashionlounge.com)
A good staple.



($275, AKA New York, Activeendeavors.com)
Not overly crazy about the lacy trim at the bottom, but it just looks so comfy and cool for the swampass summer weather.



($451, Paul Smith)
I've stated before that white people should usually not wear pale yellow. But IF a fair-skinned white person were to break my own personal rule, I might excuse if if it were on behalf of this dress.



($88, French Connection, Zappos)
I positively adore this top but plan on waiting for it to go on super sale. (Still waiting...)



($138, Original Penguin, Zappos)
Also very cute.



(Apprx $30 USD, Topman.com)
Cute, but also for dudes. I'm also going to try NOT to smirk at the name "Top Man."



($275, Antoinette Lee, Couturecandy.com)
A most beauts fall bag.


Now, two footwear mortses:


($79, Michael Kors, Smartbargains.com)
Worst.


($193, Loeffler Randall, Creaturesofcomfort.com)
The rare and evasive horbs Loeffler Randall item. Terrible.