Footwear, Au Naturale

I present you... lots of heels and boots, with nods to nature in the form of wood, straw and earth tones! Hippie chic meets urban sophisticate... errr something...

($114, Asos)

Love the woo heel, though I'm not totally convinced that the peep toe element is okay. Oh well. Sacrifices, I suppose! And they're gorgeous in green too:

($360, Pedro Garcia, Net-a-porter.com)

I'm also not totally sold on these, but I kind of like the rustic, ruggedness of the unfinished edge.

($320, L.A.M.B., Shopbop.com)

Um, okay so I'm sorta cheating with these, but the woven effect is sorta nature-y, no? Rattan and wicker porch chairs and all that?

($70, Faryl Robin, Ravinstyle.com)

Normally these would be just a little too Chrissy Snow for me, but the little turquoise buckle is both totally modernizing and endearing.

($290, Derek Lam, Barneys)

I absolutely love these. They have a sorta sexy, smart speakeasy feel to them. Like you put 'em on and something naughty'll happen on ye olde Bowerie or something! Like two whiskey-drunk dudes in mustaches will have a fistfight over you that'll escalate into a knife fight!

($95, Steve Madden, Cutesyshoes.com)

Not sure who's getting knocked off here. Balenciaga? Miu Miu? Fendi? Chanel? No matter, because I can't afford any of them!

($258, Anthropologie)

Ah, my leit motif: the wood cone heel. I'd break for these.

($536, Les Prairies de Paris, LaGarconne.com)

Ah, a gorgeous wood-heeled ankle boot by the elusive, expensive Les Prairies de Paris. And in grey, no less! Oui oui!!

Design Your Own Steve Maddens

Yay! Case you needed more ways to waste spend your time online, you can now customize and design your own Steve Madden shoes and bags based on a ton of different style templates.

It's actually sorta fun. Here's a pair of "Lezlie" heels before:

... And after I got done customizing my very own:
They'd be $129, which is a not unreasonable price to pay for shoes (in this case at least) so ridiculously tacky that they're almost awesome. You pick the upper, buckle, trim and heel color, and you pick the size, of course. I was pretty surprised to find that Steve Maddens, at least these and I'm sure most other styles, are available in as small as size 4 (which I haven't been since I was in about third grade) and they go up to size 12. Fun!


More options:

($99, Steve Madden)

The Nlight comes in 15 different color combos to begin with, but you can also trick it out accordingly.

($150, SteveMadden.com)

Then there's the BBabylux bag, which you can fug out into this...

Hm! It almost looks like a Fendi after I've gotten my hands on it! I'm a fucking DESIGN GENIUS!

Jeweled Clutches!

Ay mami! I've been sitting on this topic for so long my ass hurts. No excuses! Post time! So many jeweled clutches, so few occassions to use a jeweled clutch!

Let's start with the completely unattainable ones, shall we?

($1890, Devi Kroell, Net-a-Porter.com)

Amazing. Too bad Devi Kroell didn't feature any of these in her Target collection.

($2,495, Leiber, Neiman Marcus)

A piece of art, I tell you! Sadly, just a few thou outta my tax bracket.

($580, Burberry, Net-a-Porter.com)

Oh mah stars. Love the geometrical designzorz.



($1255, Burberry)

Ah... Burberry. You tease, you! So close yet so far away.

($98, Steve Madden, Macys)

Oh Steve Madden. You make lovin' fun!

($57, Monsoon.co.uk)

Not bad atall. I like the different jewel types.

($28, Lulus)

Super cute, and I love the zipper pocket on the back! Lulus done does it again!

($45, Shopintuition.com)

Easy peasy! Love the purple one.

($38 Buy It Now, eBay)

OMG. LOVE. Need. Might... buy. But I already have a green clutch. But can you EVER have enough green clutches, I ask?

($133, Dazeddorothy.co.uk)

I can't decide if this is cute or a mini trainwreck... like, not a complete wreck, but more of a derailment.

($55, Betsey Johnson, Amazon)

I've blogged about this before, and now I'm blogging 'bout it again because I still want it. Wah!

($33, Asos.com)

Love love love. And no, it's not jeweled -- technically it's "plated," -- but it's close enough.

($68, Shopsueyboutique.com)

No, it's not a clutch, but it is jeweled, and it IS ridiculous, and I DO love it.

Shoes: Some Awful, Some Not Awful

Holy sheeeyt, y'all! It's a shoe roundup!

Of course, we begin with some horbsness thanks to Irregular Choice, always dependable in the Horbsness department.

($199, Irregular Choice, Asos.com)

Is this just a New York phenomenon, or is the black and gold liquor store bag distributed universally? Anyway, these look like someone took an otherwise perfectly good healthy heel and suffocated it by tying on a liquor store bag. Without the shitty faux chap or whatever that abomination is, this shoe could be adorable with the striped platform and bow in the bag. Alas, it's not to be.

($132, Dru New York)

Just perfectly beautiful, perfectly perfect winter heels. Too bad Dru isn't sold online. Weepy.

($252, Rachel Comey, Oaknyc.com)

These are such a trainwreck that I almost oddly love them? But maybe I hate them? Mainly they're horrible? I love Rachel Comey, but these are pretty wrong.

($87, Oh Deer! Shoes.com)

For some odd reason, I like these, though I could see buying them and never having anything to wear with them. Love the Louboutin-from-afar red soles!

($55, Asos.com)

These are absolutely rip-shit ridiculous. It's also extremely discouraging that they're actually SOLD OUT, meaning that enough people DIDN'T find these horrendous.

($144, Ted Baker, Asos.com)

What? Oh my GOD, NO! They look like they're being held together by twine!

($121, Irregular Choice, Asos.com)

Just unfuckingbelievable. Wear these to your next ecstacy-fueled Victorian orgy.

($99, Steve Madden)

Appropriately enough, these embarrassments are called "Hustler," and them come in 20 different shades, each more horrendous than the next! An award of distinction goes out to the horrendous "foil" family, which includes silver and gold, and the patents: fuschia (shown above), deep red, purple, cognac and more! Collect 'em all!

($221, Harlot, Asos.com)

Appropriately enough, these are by Harlot. So so so bad. Why is it so hard to remember that denim is for JEANS ONLY! And the OCCASIONAL jacket. Don't get it twisted, people!

($276, Salvador Sapena, Asos.com)

Normally I'm not into cuffs or anything remotely Mary Jane-ish, but I love the colors and how the beige offsets the patent leather. Totes wants!

($132, KG, Asos.com)

Um, these are sorta maybe the most perfect jeweled flats ever.

($474, Nanette Lepore, Shoes.com)

Chocolate brown footwear isn't usually my thing, nor are little punchy perforations and lace ups, so it's odd that I find myself attracted to a boot that consists of all three. Yet I like these.

Yay! I know they're kinda last season, but for the 99.8% of us who can't afford the real thing:

($940, Burberry Prorsum, Nordstrom)


($98, Jeffrey Campbell, Oaknyc.com)

.... Jeffrey Campbell has graciously knocked them off for us! Kbyenow!

Steve Madden: Favorite Boots...

These grey Steve Madden "Favorite" boots are a self-fulfilling prophecy.

($169, Steve Madden)

Love the fold-over cuff and, of course, the grey hue. They're nice in their black iteration, but grey saves the day! ... Or something...

Bad Ideas In Footwear (& More!)

One bad idea is to be one of the most famous women in the world AND be under investigation for child abuse AND be involved in a major custody battle over your two kids AND to wear no underwear when you venture outside in front of throngs of photographers, like Britney did. Oopsies!

(Photo via Daily Mail)
I've got to say though... at least she managed to coordinate her bag and boots with her dress!

More bad ideas, in the form of shoes...

($170, daniblack, Piperlime)

God I hate a square chunky heel. There's just no excuse. And while I wouldn't go out of my way to absolutely insist upon wearing real fur, this fakety fake is just poor.

($45, Not Rated, Zappos)

The Zappos description refers to these as "ornate." You KNOW something's bad news bears when the one and only word used to describe it is "ornate." Never a good thing right there.

($99, Steven, Zappos)

It really just hurts my head sitting here and trying to come up with an instance in which these would EVER be acceptable for ANYONE over the age of 11.

($79, Zinc, Cutesyshoes.com)

Velvet AND Lucite? Perfect for the stripper who's afraid of heights.

($100, Carlos By Carlos Santana, Piperlime)

Ugh. Now, I actually will defend a select few styles of Carlos Santana heels, and I actually like the cute and style here, but the faux olde-tymey label pattern is SO played.

($150, Ugg, Uggaustralia.com)

Please, someone, put these on the next flight back to Sydney, I implore you!

($44, Michael Antonio, Cutesyshoes.com)

From the description: "A sexy, unique look thats right off the cat walk!" Okay, first of all, I'll do my best to try to ignore the fact that they spelled "that's" wrong. Next... "Catwalk" is one word. And... which catwalk are they referring to? Where is this alleged cat walk? Hell? Yes. That MIGHT be what one might see at Fashion Week in Hades. If that's the case then perhaps I will accept that.

($340, Salvador Sapena, Piperlime)

Wow. Actually, in the wake of the rest of the footwear seen above, these really aren't as heinous in comparison.

($12, Bamboo, Cutesyshoes.com)

These make me wanna pull an Owen Wilson. Sorry... Is it too soon? It's too soon isn't it?


Okay, should you actually discover a pair of Cutesy Shoes that don't make you wanna wretch, such as this pair by Zinc:

($69, Zinc, Cutesyshoes.com)

... These are actually pretty cute and look like Marc Jacobs... anyway, here's a CutesyShoes.com promo code to save 20%: GRAND... expires 9/1/2007.