Sneaker Freaker: Tretorns!

Now that my billion-year-old black Chucks have finally been retired to that great barely biodegradable landfill in the ground, I'm in the market for a new pair of sneaks.

This weekend I saw a pair of Tretorn for Acne Jeans or Acne Jeans for Tretorn or whatever sneakers, and, quite frankly, they were SHIT HOT:

(Photo via Refinery29.com)

The pair I saw was the same style but in black, and they were gorgeous, but the $158 price tag left them sitting right on their pretty little shelf. I still covet tho. Oh, and because, once again, I'm totes late to the game, Refinery29 was all over that shit back in March. Ho well. If yer still interested, you can get them or the hi-top version at Bird in Brooklyn.


So, speaking of old-school Tretorns, I remember I had a pair WAAAAY back in say, middle school, and I remember their inch-plus of cushiness creating a level of comfort that was almost fucking absurd. So, again, seeing as how I'm currently in the market for a new pair of non-mom sneakers, I'm now chasing that first high and going after another Tretorn fix:

($65, Tretorn)

Best, though I wish they had them in a blacker black.

($60, Tretorn)

Basic, comfy, blue. What else do you want?

($75, Tretorn)

OMG. These are ridiculous and hilarious. They're a tribute to favorite Swedish dish toast Skagen. The left represents the "mix," while the right represents the toast. Uhhhh okay. I guess it's like if we had shoes with pizza or burgers on 'em. Curiously, these are only available for men, so does that mean that mainly men like toast skagen? Or only men wear SHOES with toast skagen on them? Who knows. I certainly wouldn't wear them, so perhaps those Swedes are onto something.

($80, Tretorn)

... And via Highsnobiety.com, from whom I lovingly borrowed the above photo, Tretorn and pro-Chloe boutique/line Opening Ceremony (they center the store around a different theme each year, and this year is Sweden) are collaborating on some limited-edition styles. I sorta almost like the middle checkered ones, but still, the black ones are my faves.

Chloe Sevigny's Clothing Line

Yay! It won't be long now 'til you can OFFICIALLY dress like the female version of Oliver Twist... or a less cracked-out Courtney Love circa 1993, because Chloe Sevigny's about to drop her clothing line at Opening Ceremony.



What really kills me is the outfit on the far right. For when you REALLY wanna unironically dress like Thelma and/or Louise. I've never been to Chloe's home town of Darien, Connecticut (which allegedly helped inspire her line), but something tells me that the women of a town that boasts a per-family median income of $173,777 don't dress in trailer park-inspired too-tiny floral-printed tankini tops and FUPA-exposing high-waisted printed leggings. And Fergie's already done a good enough job of beating the porkpie to death:



When it comes to fashionable Chloes, make mine See.

TONS Of Stuff I Want

MMMmmmkay, peeps. I've been obsessively HORDING stuff (well, at least links and photos) for y'all, and then I end up with 14 trillion things to show y'all but no time to tackle everything. So, here's just ONE batch of my billionsah awesome items.

DRESSES

($198, J.Crew)
Now I almost never -- actually I can literally say that I DON'T EVER shop at J. Crew -- I find most of their stuff boring and too "White People" (even though I'm white, and pretty damn pale at that, as if to drive that point home), but this dress is fucking awesome. The T.Lo male counterpart and I both heart lobsters -- eating them but mainly in their anthropomorphic states. This dress is neither, but I especially am fond of anything printed with lobsters. Kosher or not, I'd wear this in a heartbeat.



($90, Charlotte Ronson, Rokandlola.com)
I've come around and am now sorta okay with bubble dresses, especially when they're the color of bubble gum, like this one.




($198, B With G, Winknyc.com)
Totes out of season, but totes great. Very Mischa Barton when she's not dressed like a Busch Gardens ticket taker.



TOPS


($195, development, Factorypeople.com)
Perfect summer adorbsness.



($366, Viktor & Rolf, Net-a-porter.com)
So femme!



($76, Phbnyc.com)
Simple in a sorta Laura Ingalls way, but perfect for those 150 degrees in the shade August days. (Worst.)



($39, Collective Clothing, Smartbargains.com)
Fun colors, fun graphic print. Those look like blueberries = yay!



($20, Meetmark.com)
'Parently Mark (as in Avon's answer to the oughts) has clothing and accessories. And not bad ones at that. Who knew? (I guess I did.)



JEANS

($92, Radcliffe Denim, Shopbop.com)
I'm sorry, but I am NOT yet ready to give into the sailor-jeans-up-to-my-neck trend. I hope I never will (check back in a month or so -- I'm not above fashion hypocrisy). These are gorgeous.



($75, Opening Ceremony, Oogaboogastore.com)
Git yerself some Chloe Sevigny jeans for just $75 -- thought you gotta admit -- she's been looking A BIT less like a Bellevue escapee lately. Good for her. Though still, not good about sucking Vincent Gallo's dirty dick. Bad idea jeans right there.




SHOES


($39, Chinese Laundry, Lovemyshoes.com)
Perfect height right here. I love black, and the silver ones are even sorta cool in a Ziggy Stardust sorta way.



($29, Isaac Mizrachi, Target)
Very tempting. You can't take the Madonna out of the girl. At least not this girl, anyway.



($56, Zinc, Amazon)
I know they're cheezeball, but they're GIRAFFE!! WEEE! Giraffes are totes the new grey owls, y'all.



($98, Sam Edelman, Urban Outfitters)
Very cute, but not ultimately worth $100. By the time I finish typing this sentence, I'm sure at least 15 different knockoffs will have been created. Woo!


Oh wait...

($16, Gojane.com)
I love America.



($25, Abate, Payless)
Per my yellow shoes post. These are great "in theory," but I don't "do" platforms nor "ankle straps." "O"-"kay"??



($29, Punk Rose, Heelandsoleshoes.com)
I'm in the market for some black Vans or Vans-esque slides. These might be too skatery though.



($39, Rebels, Amazon)
Cute, but perhaps too young?



($14, Cherokee, Target)
Simple enough. These might haveta do.



($59, Rebels, Amazon)
Pink snakeskin is surprisingly cute!



($19, Gojane.com)
"Unexpectedly" cute!



($19, Qupid, Amazon)
Love the knotted detail. And the price. Woo cheap summer shoes!



($26, Gojane.com)
Sorta like the Pussycat Dolls -- so crappy that they're almost great.



($110, Sam Edelman, Urban Outfitters)
I've been admiring these for a while, but ...



($15, Gojane.com)
Holla at some knockoffs!



($7.99, Gojane.com)
At first I was hating on jellies, then I was indifferent, but these sorta converted me. Cute and comfy and cheap. And the grey is just innocuous enough. I'm sure I'll see some guy walking around Williamsburg in these soon enough though.




HANDBAGS

($645, Kooba, Kooba.com)
Sigh. The ultimate grey shopper. Sigh.



BOOTS

($19, Target)
Totes cute.



JEWELRY

(Apprx $9 USD, Switchrings.com)
These are so damn cute. You get four random designs you can switch in and out (hence the name). I love these:




Oh yeah -- get ready for a MAMMOTH jewelry post in the very very near future.




ROLLER SKATES

($128, Asos.com)
I'm not in the market for roller "boots" (tee! So cute) right now, but if I were, I'm glad I'd know where to find 'em.




MORTSES
A few of the monstrosities I found along the way...

($149, Charles David, Amazon)
Shudder.



($51, Rebel, Amazon)
Dude, seriously...



($64, Rebels, Amazon)
Seriously dude...



($58, Shellys London, Urban Outfitters)
Fuuuuuuuuuuck.



This guy just really freaked me out for some reason.



($2045, Dietlind Preiss, Unicahome.com)
Uhhhh...


Mkay, bye.